Post by Admin on Feb 4, 2007 17:20:20 GMT -5
THE ENDURANCE RIDER
Wears lycra tights in wild neon colors, the shinier the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and t-shirts she got for paying $75 dollars to complete another tortuous ride. Her horse "Al Kamar Shazam", used to be called "you bxstxxd" until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is. "Shazam" can spook at a blowing leaf, spin 360 degrees, and not loose his big trot rhythm, or give an inch to the horse behind him. He has learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop his resting pulse rate on command. He has compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail with out his rider after performing his trademark 360).
Over heard frequently:
Anyone got Advil?? Anyone got some food? I think this last years twinkie has gone bad. For this I spend money? Shazam, you bxstxxd- it's just a leaf (thud).
THE BACKYARD RIDER
(have a sense of humor now)
Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in summer, Flannel nightgown, muck boots and a down jacket in winter. Drives a Ford, Chevy, Dodge, 150, 250, 2500, 1500, filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops. Has a bumper pull two horse trailer, but uses it for hay storage, as her horse has not been off the place for 6 years. Can install an electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, SOLO. Rode well and often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago. Took her horse home to "save money", and has spent 50 grand on acreage, barn, fence, tractor, etc.
Has two topics of conversation-
1) how it is too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride. And,
2) how she may ride after she fixes the fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.
THE DRESSAGE QUEEN
(remember.. smile)
Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold earrings sporting a breed logo. A $100.00 custom jumper, (also with breed logo), is worn over $300.00 dollar, full-seat WHITE breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse "Fliestergeidelsprundheim", "Fleistergeigel" for short, is a 17.5 hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse. The Germans are still laughing hysterically, as he was really bred to be a Grand Prix Jumper, but he couldn't get out of his own way, so they sold him to an American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud heritage, and tremendous athleticism.
Which she admires mostly while lounging him. She lounges him a lot, because she is not actually too keen to get up there and try to SIT THAT TROT. When she rides, it is not for long, because (while he looks fine to everyone else), she can tell that he is not as thorough and supple as he should be, and gets off to call the chiropractor/massagetherapist/psychic. All of which is expensive, but he will be shown, and shown right, after he perfects (fill in the blank). (The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid the stress of being beaten at training by a Quarter Horse.)
NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE
Looks like a throw back from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey. Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-mart parking lot. Cowboy hat strategically placed and just dirty enough to look cool, Levi's well worn. "Lightning" is of course this guys horse, rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the "natural horsemanship" way. He specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back on low hanging branches, and baring his teeth. The hospitalization tally for former owners was 12, until he was sent to "Round Pen Randy", after ten minutes in said pen, he was now totally broke horse. Bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots (with Randy's trademark logo embossed on them).
R.P.R. says, of all this... "Well shucks ma'am, twernt nuthin. It's simple horsemanship. In fact, with this special twirly flickatatin rope, ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round penning like me in no time."
THE HUNTER RIDER
Is slightly anorexic and trying her best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever has a clinic with George Morris. Field marks include greeny-beige breeches and a baseball cap when schooling or mud colored coat and hardhat with dangling chinstrap when competing. Forks over about a grand a month to trainer for the privilege of letting him/her "tune" up the horse, which consists of drilling the beast until its going to put in five strides on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does. Sold the Thoroughbred (and a collection of lunging equipment, chambons, side reins) and bought a Warmblood. (Bought a ladder and a LONG set of spurs). Talks a lot about the horse's success in Florida without exactly letting on that she herself has never been south of the Pennsylvania line
THE EVENTER
Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going to have to do a trot up at a 3-Day). The hunched defensive posture is reinforced by the anticipation of "a long one", a ditch and a wall, and from living in her back protector. Perpetually broke because she pays THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru, none of whom approve of the other) and pays trailers/stabling/living expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days. She is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queen's don't jump, the H/J crowd is to afraid to go OUT of a ring, and the fox hunters, a related breed, don't have to deal with dressage judges).
The hat cover on her cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can look like her idol, Phillip. Her horse, who has previously been rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got ruled off for jumping into the in-field tailgating the crowd), a jumper, a fox hunter, and a polo pony (no bit stops this thing), has two speeds: gallop and "no gallop" (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at over jumping into water, doing a head first "tuck and roll" maneuver and exiting the complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out of the pond. Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily on to the merciless over jump just ahead. Owner often threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of every other English-riding discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.
THE JUMPER COMPETITOR
Is in a wide-striped polo shirt and beige beeches. The polo is so folks will know they're a jumper rider until they put on their shirt and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to exhibit free advertising for that trainer's stable for which they've forked over a mere grand or so per month. Her horse, Neverbeenraced, is a prime example of American Thoroughbred. The coat is deep bay, no markings, a textbook TB head (no jowl), and no unusual conformational characteristics other than crooked legs. Perfect, just perfect. The gelding has learned to count strides all by himself, and asks in mid-air which lead his mistress would like to land on today.
THE WESTERN PLEASURE RIDER
The western pleasure rider is starched, bejeweled and has more silver than the Queen of England. The ladies wear more rhinestones than Liberace and you can literally go blind watching the Amateur western pleasure class. Their horses have to have Zippo, Chococlate Chip, Blazing, Hobby, or Dynamic in their name or they aren't worth buying. Most pleasure horses walk at the jog (what happened to a 2-beat diagonal gait?) and look like they're impaled on a carousel pole at the lope, yet they are a "pleasure" to ride. If the class got any slower the horses & riders would be asleep. Most of the men look like they're sitting in recliners any way, reared back & propped up. Huge spurs with wicked rowels are mandatory for obtaining forward motion and that "infamous" spur stop. Kind of a contradiction
Wears lycra tights in wild neon colors, the shinier the better, so the EMT's can find her body when her horse dumps her down a ravine. Wears hiking shoes of some sort, and t-shirts she got for paying $75 dollars to complete another tortuous ride. Her horse "Al Kamar Shazam", used to be called "you bxstxxd" until he found an owner almost as hyper as he is. "Shazam" can spook at a blowing leaf, spin 360 degrees, and not loose his big trot rhythm, or give an inch to the horse behind him. He has learned to eat, drink, pee, and drop his resting pulse rate on command. He has compiled 3,450 AERC miles; his rider compiled 3,445 (the missing five miles are the ones when he raced down the trail with out his rider after performing his trademark 360).
Over heard frequently:
Anyone got Advil?? Anyone got some food? I think this last years twinkie has gone bad. For this I spend money? Shazam, you bxstxxd- it's just a leaf (thud).
THE BACKYARD RIDER
(have a sense of humor now)
Usually found wearing shorts and a sports bra in summer, Flannel nightgown, muck boots and a down jacket in winter. Drives a Ford, Chevy, Dodge, 150, 250, 2500, 1500, filled with saddle blankets and dog hair. Most have deformed toes from being stepped on while wearing flip-flops. Has a bumper pull two horse trailer, but uses it for hay storage, as her horse has not been off the place for 6 years. Can install an electric fence, set a gate, and roll a round bale, SOLO. Rode well and often when she used to board her horse, 5 years ago. Took her horse home to "save money", and has spent 50 grand on acreage, barn, fence, tractor, etc.
Has two topics of conversation-
1) how it is too hot/cold/wet/dry to ride. And,
2) how she may ride after she fixes the fence/digs drainage ditches/stacks 4 tons of hay.
THE DRESSAGE QUEEN
(remember.. smile)
Has her hair in an elegant ponytail and is wearing a visor and gold earrings sporting a breed logo. A $100.00 custom jumper, (also with breed logo), is worn over $300.00 dollar, full-seat WHITE breeches and custom Koenigs. Her horse "Fliestergeidelsprundheim", "Fleistergeigel" for short, is a 17.5 hand warmblood who was bred to be a Grand Prix horse. The Germans are still laughing hysterically, as he was really bred to be a Grand Prix Jumper, but he couldn't get out of his own way, so they sold him to an American. His rider fell in love with his lofty gaits, proud heritage, and tremendous athleticism.
Which she admires mostly while lounging him. She lounges him a lot, because she is not actually too keen to get up there and try to SIT THAT TROT. When she rides, it is not for long, because (while he looks fine to everyone else), she can tell that he is not as thorough and supple as he should be, and gets off to call the chiropractor/massagetherapist/psychic. All of which is expensive, but he will be shown, and shown right, after he perfects (fill in the blank). (The blank changes often enough that the rider can avoid the stress of being beaten at training by a Quarter Horse.)
NATURAL HORSEMANSHIP DEVOTEE
Looks like a throw back from a Texas ranch, despite the fact that he lives in the suburbs of New Jersey. Rope coiled loosely in hand in case he needs to herd any of those kids on roller blades away from his F-350 dually in the Wal-mart parking lot. Cowboy hat strategically placed and just dirty enough to look cool, Levi's well worn. "Lightning" is of course this guys horse, rescued from a bad home where he was never imprinted or broke in the "natural horsemanship" way. He specialized in running down his owners at feeding time, knocking children off his back on low hanging branches, and baring his teeth. The hospitalization tally for former owners was 12, until he was sent to "Round Pen Randy", after ten minutes in said pen, he was now totally broke horse. Bowing to the crowd, and can put on his own splint boots (with Randy's trademark logo embossed on them).
R.P.R. says, of all this... "Well shucks ma'am, twernt nuthin. It's simple horsemanship. In fact, with this special twirly flickatatin rope, ($17.95 plus tax), you'll be round penning like me in no time."
THE HUNTER RIDER
Is slightly anorexic and trying her best to achieve the conformation of a 17-year-old male in case she ever has a clinic with George Morris. Field marks include greeny-beige breeches and a baseball cap when schooling or mud colored coat and hardhat with dangling chinstrap when competing. Forks over about a grand a month to trainer for the privilege of letting him/her "tune" up the horse, which consists of drilling the beast until its going to put in five strides on a 60 foot line no matter WHAT she does. Sold the Thoroughbred (and a collection of lunging equipment, chambons, side reins) and bought a Warmblood. (Bought a ladder and a LONG set of spurs). Talks a lot about the horse's success in Florida without exactly letting on that she herself has never been south of the Pennsylvania line
THE EVENTER
Is bent over from carrying three saddles, three bridles, three bits, and three unrelated sets of clothing (four, if she is going to have to do a trot up at a 3-Day). The hunched defensive posture is reinforced by the anticipation of "a long one", a ditch and a wall, and from living in her back protector. Perpetually broke because she pays THREE coaches (a Dressage Queen, a jumper rider, and her eventing guru, none of whom approve of the other) and pays trailers/stabling/living expenses to go 600 miles to events that are spread out over 5 days. She is smugly convinced that Eventers are in fact the only people in the world who CAN ride (since Dressage Queen's don't jump, the H/J crowd is to afraid to go OUT of a ring, and the fox hunters, a related breed, don't have to deal with dressage judges).
The hat cover on her cross-country helmet is secured with a giant rubber band, so she can look like her idol, Phillip. Her horse, who has previously been rejected as a race horse, a steeplechase horse (got ruled off for jumping into the in-field tailgating the crowd), a jumper, a fox hunter, and a polo pony (no bit stops this thing), has two speeds: gallop and "no gallop" (also known as stop 'n' dump). Excels at over jumping into water, doing a head first "tuck and roll" maneuver and exiting the complex (catch me if you can!) before his rider slogs out of the pond. Often stops to lick the Crisco off his legs before continuing gaily on to the merciless over jump just ahead. Owner often threatens to sell, but as he has flunked out of every other English-riding discipline, it will have to be to a barrel racer.
THE JUMPER COMPETITOR
Is in a wide-striped polo shirt and beige beeches. The polo is so folks will know they're a jumper rider until they put on their shirt and stock tie. Baseball cap is mandatory after a ride, in order to exhibit free advertising for that trainer's stable for which they've forked over a mere grand or so per month. Her horse, Neverbeenraced, is a prime example of American Thoroughbred. The coat is deep bay, no markings, a textbook TB head (no jowl), and no unusual conformational characteristics other than crooked legs. Perfect, just perfect. The gelding has learned to count strides all by himself, and asks in mid-air which lead his mistress would like to land on today.
THE WESTERN PLEASURE RIDER
The western pleasure rider is starched, bejeweled and has more silver than the Queen of England. The ladies wear more rhinestones than Liberace and you can literally go blind watching the Amateur western pleasure class. Their horses have to have Zippo, Chococlate Chip, Blazing, Hobby, or Dynamic in their name or they aren't worth buying. Most pleasure horses walk at the jog (what happened to a 2-beat diagonal gait?) and look like they're impaled on a carousel pole at the lope, yet they are a "pleasure" to ride. If the class got any slower the horses & riders would be asleep. Most of the men look like they're sitting in recliners any way, reared back & propped up. Huge spurs with wicked rowels are mandatory for obtaining forward motion and that "infamous" spur stop. Kind of a contradiction
And please don't wear a see-through nightgown and thongs to feed your horse, you will fall and brake your ankle...Now I wear boots.. ;D