The Sheath Cleaning Song !!!

[Admin]

(Sing it to the tune of "Hello Mother, Hello Father" from camp song)

How's it hangin'?
So much cleaner.
Aren't you glad,
I washed your wiener?

I'll admit it's
kinda creepy,
that I had to stick my arm up in your pee-pee.


It was sticky.
It was gunky.
It felt icky.
It smelled funky.

It was cruddy,
it was crusty--
when you stuck it out, it creaked like it was rusty.

After half an
hour of toilin'
and of squirtin'
baby oil in,
you're as fresh there
as a daisy.

Either this means I love you or else I'm crazy!!!

[Admin]

What they really mean...

Hauls - once you get him in
Loads - For the trainer
Bathes - but you get soaked
Clips - with scissors
Ties - If you dont tie him, just loop him
Has an A+ jog - if you can post
Has a western pleasure canter - in a baby class
Has been to a show - plowed over the judge, got loose at the trailer, bucked you off, kicked horses...

[toeps]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

I'm gonna teach my kids the song ;D Their poor teachers! HEHE!

[atticus]

I will have to sing that to Dr. Chris next time he comes out, he is the cleaner of the peters around here...I have to draw the line somewhere!!!

[maverick]

OK I can't stop laughing at the cleaning song.

[Britney]

I heard that song before.

[MustangAppy]

I am going to print this out and show it to the vet. I am sure she will need the humor, since I am positive that Dazzy's privates are a disaster area, bean and all.

[gratefulknits]

Oh, I wish I had remembered that this song was posted! I had my very first encounter with sheath cleaning yesterday! Ay caramba, crusty is absolutely right. Fortunately, Homer was stoned after getting his teeth done, so we didn't have to struggle. It definitely helped having afinenettle on hand to hold him and sing to him (but I'm certain this isn't what she was singing!!) Too, too funny!

[afinenettle]

gratefulknits said:

Oh, I wish I had remembered that this song was posted! I had my very first encounter with sheath cleaning yesterday! Ay caramba, crusty is absolutely right. Fortunately, Homer was stoned after getting his teeth done, so we didn't have to struggle. It definitely helped having afinenettle on hand to hold him and sing to him (but I'm certain this isn't what she was singing!!) Too, too funny!

It was a day of very very stoned horses....what with 6 or 7 getting their teeth done, including Rhiannon (CBER CHerry Blossom). And I am ever so grateful that Ms. Gratefulknits was on the BUSINESS end of that ordeal. Boy...was she having fun or what(not) but she carried on like a good doctor must....But I tell ya, I think Homer was having a pretty good time all and all....stoned, serenaded and well...can't be too crude ;D

[keldco]

Ok, here's one I have saved. Very funny.....Kelly

SHEATH CLEANING.

Stick my hand up where!? One of the joys of owning a gelding is periodic sheath cleaning. This is a mysterious topic to some.

Step 1) Check to make sure there are no prospective boyfriends, elderly neighbors, or Brownie troops with a line of sight to the proceedings. Though of course they're probably going to show up unexpectedly ANYWAY once you're in the middle of things. Prepare a good explanation.

2) Trim your fingernails short. Assemble horse, hose, and your sense of humor (plus, ideally, Excalibur cleanser and perhaps thin rubber gloves).

3) Use hose (or damp sponge) to get the sheath and its inhabitant wet. Uh, that is, do this in a *civilized* fashion with due warning to the horse; he is apt to take offense if an icy-cold hose blasts unexpectedly into his personal regions ;-)

4) Now introduce your horse to Mr Hand. What I find safest is to stand facing the horse's head, with my shoulder and hip snugly against the horse's thigh and hip so that if he makes any suspicious move such as raising his leg, I can feel it right away and am in any case pressed so close that all he can do is shove, not really kick. The horse should be held by an assistant or by your free hand, NOT tied fast to a post or to crossties. He may shift around a good bit if he's not happy with Mr Hand's antics, but don't be put off by that; as long as you are patient and gradual, and stick close to his side, he'll get over it.

Remember that it would be most unladylike of you to simply make a direct grab for your horse's Part. Give the horse a clue about what's on the program. Rest your hand against his belly, and then slide it back til you are entering The Home of the Actual Private Part. When you reach this first region of your destination, lube him up good with Excalibur or whatever you're using.

5) If the outer part of his sheath is really grungy you will feel little clods and nubblies of smegma peeling off as you grope around in there. Patiently and gently expedite their removal.

5) Thus far, you have probably only been in the outer part of the sheath. The Part Itself, you'll have noticed, is strangely absent. That's because it has retired shyly to its inner chambers. Roll up them thar sleeves and follow in after it ;-)

6) As you and Mr Hand wind your way deeper into the sheath, you will encounter what feels like a small portal that opens up into a chamber beyond. Being attentive to your horse's reaction, invite yourself in. You are now in the inner sanctum of The Actual Private Part. It's hiding in there towards the back, trying to pretend it isn't there. Say hi and wave to it. No, really, work your finger back and forth around the sides of it. If the horse won't drop, this is your only shot at removing whatever dried smegma is clinging to the surface of the Part itself. So, gently explore around it, pulling out whatever crusty topsoil you find there. Use more water and more Excalibur if necessary to loosen attached gunk.

7) When Mr Hand and the Actual Private Part have gotten to know each other pretty well, and the Part feels squeaky clean all around, there remains only one task: checking for, and removing, the bean. The bean is a pale, kidney-shaped accumulation of smegma in a small pouch just inside the urethra. Not all horses accumulate a bean, but the majority do, even if they have no visible external smegma.

So: the equine urethra is fairly large diameter, and indeed will permit you to very gently insinuate one of your slimmer fingers inside the urethral opening. Do so, and explore upwards for what will feel like a lump or "pea" buried no more than, I dunno, perhaps 3/4" in from the opening. If you do encounter a bean, gently and sympathetically persuade it out with your finger. This may require a little patience from BOTH Mr Hand AND the horse, but the horse will be happier and healthier once it's accomplished. In the rare event that the bean is too enormous for your finger to coax out, you might try (in desperation): Wrap thumb and index finger around the end of the Part and squeeze firmly to extrude the bean. Much to your surprise it might work and the horse might NOT kill you for doing it and he may not seem to have suffered any permanant damage as a result ;->

8) Now all that's left to do is make a graceful exit and rinse the area very thoroughly in apology for the liberties you've taken. A hose will be MUCH easier to use here than just a sponge and bucket. Make sure to direct the water into the Part's inner retreat too, not merely the outer part of the sheath. This may require you to enfold the end of the hose in your hand and guide it up there personally.

9) Ta-da, you are done! Say, "Good horsie" and feed him lots of carrots. Watch him make funny faces at the way your hands smell. Hmm. Well, perhaps there is ONE more step...

10) The only thing I know of that is at all effective in removing the lovely fragrance of smegma from your hands (fingernails arms elbows and wherever else it's gotten) is Excalibur. Even then, if you didn't use gloves you may find you've got an unusual personal perfume for a while. So, word to the wise, do NOT clean your horse's sheath just before an important job interview or first date ;-)

and of course, there is that one FINAL step...

11) Figure out how to explain all this to your mother (or the kid from next door, or the meter reader, or whoever else you've just realized has been standing in the barn doorway speechlessly watching the entire process.

Now, go thou forth and clean that Part :-)

[gratefulknits]

Oh, my! Bazzy, the famous Australian blogging horse (legend in his own mind), has posted another sheath cleaning song shared by one of his cyber-friends:

"Let’s all sing along, to the tune of “If you’re happy and you know it”……..

If it’s hanging and you see it lube your hands
If it’s hanging and you see it lube your hands
If it’s hanging and you see it
Grab it quick its time to clean it
If it’s hanging and you see it lube your hands.

If it’s peely and its crusty pick it off
If it’s peely and its crusty pick it off
If it’s peely and its crusty
and the smell is kind of musty
If it’s peely and its crusy pick it off

If his weenie has a beanie dig it out
If his weeny has a beanie dig it out
If his weiner has a beaner
pull it out and he’ll be cleaner
If his weenie has a beanie dig it out.

Now he’s happy and you know it wash your hands
Now he’s happy and you know it wash your hands
It’s a job that’s kind of kinky
And now your hands are really stinky
But he’s happy and you know it wash your hands"

;D

Next time I undertake the dreaded task I'll have lots of great tunes to sing to the happy boy...

[MustangAppy]

Nope, the vet did it this time, and she will do it next time. That is why I pay her the big bucks!!

[rodeo51]

Thank goodness I have a mare...LOL :-)

[mykingdomforahorse]

O - M - G!

These songs are too funny! And also make it even more yucky! gross!

Em

[mykingdomforahorse]

Again, O - M - G!

Poor vet! I'm still working up the courage to actually do it myself!

Em

[michellep]

All of my co-workers think Im nuts, they dont know what I am reading here that is so funny. I have had geldings for years, my old gelding (god rest his soul) would let-r-hang anytime he wanted and didnt care who was looking. If the horseshoer was doing the back feet, mr. private part came out, if the vet or heaven forbid you actually tried to take a picture guess who made an appearance (thats right, mr. private). Yep, 25 years and I think I only have 2 pictures without mr. private making an appearance. Now my husbands gelding is the opposite, we have tried to clean his sheath, no doing. So when he gets his teeth floated, she can do the dirty work.

[horselovin]

Those songs are hilareous but really....it's not that bad! Especially when your horse is nice

[rescuestoribbons]

My vet is making me do it next time... she said that she does it the first time but I have to do it after that.... think I will take him to another vet for that hehe

[horselovin]

You are pathetic!