Losing Hope

[Tockita]

We adopted two Curlies from BLM this spring. We started out with a 6 y/o freshly gathered mare and then noticed a 2 y/o black filly. We ended up taking both home. We could never decide who got which because they were both wonderful in different ways, but the little black firebreather was clearly our favorite.



Our little tgirl had some facial swelling tues so we pulled her out, and Angi called but her vet but he is out of town until next week. I had an apointment with DrL yesterday anyway so I called to ask if I could bring hr too and they said yes.

I left at 10:30 am went to Angis, loaded up Hope (who has never been in a trailer except for BLM moving her. She was SUCH A GOOD GIRL! She went in the trailer with minmal fuss and we headed back at 1pm. We stopped to fetch Symphony and Chester and then on to our 3:15 with Dr L.

She lead from the trailer to a holding pen and when it was her turn up to Dr L's patio. I had tried to explain what we had seen. Lower tooth overgrown and pushing into her on top where the tooth looked to be broken off. Well he took a look at her face but then said wait a minute, what about these ankles? I explained they had always been thick but didnt seem to bother her. Angi has been worried because (as she put it) they were crunchy, but she didn't seem lame or off so we figured we would wait until she was more gentle to do Xrays.

It turns out she has severe loss of motion in both ankles, and even without Xrays it can oly get worse, as she JUST turned 2! So maybe a lot worse. He did look at her mouth.. first he flushed out her mouth with the hose, and she let him look all over at both sides of her mouth.. She really was an ANGEL of a baby especially for one who has received no training time since June, and who was so spirited and bold when she arrived.



Dr L has always been honest with me. If there is something he can do he'll mention it. He KNOWS I love my horses, and that I collect strays. He ALWAYS gives them a little treat before he sticks them with a needle. He was even willing to palp my opinionated stud mare once! I told him, uh Doc, shes 7, very opinionated and has never had that done before, so let's not! I told him I was willing to practice at home and bring her back, but he said lets not!

Dr L said Hope got kicked our maybe fell as a baby and her upper jaw was displaced on one side. Now her bottom teeth/tooth has punctured her gums where it didn't match and she has food impacted and rotting in her sinuses. He can do surgery on the sinus, BUT because of her ankles he doesn't recommend it. In his wonderful way, (like when he tells me to stop worring so much about Sassy and just let her be a horse.. ) he put his hand on my forearm and said Kathy this is one I would let go. He feels she will have increasing pain as she grows and advises us to put her down..

:sigh: So I had to call Angi which he said is fine. We had to discuss the what if's and why don'ts. In the end we both cried and decided he is right. Her ankles aren't right. We thought she would just be unrideable, which was fine with us.. we would just LOVE her, but we do not want her to live for years in pain.

When I left with her yesterday Angi joked that I was not allowed to fall more in love with her and not return her, now after loosing May Zing doesn't think she can bear to have her come home knowing she has to say goodbye. Joe said we can bury her on his hill next to Israel, (his twin foal Angi tried so hard to save) So we are finding a tractor to dig for us, and then we will have one of the Drs help her on her way.



This has been a really tough year. My John, Israel, May Zing, and now Cherished Hope. I called CJ at BLM and she had Art call me. I told them this is breaking our hearts because she was turning out to be so sweet and adorable. Art said if we want we can come pick out another since it is pre-existing trauma.. but we don't need another, we didn't need this one, but we wanted her.

So please say prayers for our little curly girl.

I know she will be well met on the other side or the bridge.

[afinenettle]

Ahhh jeez. I am so sorry to hear this. I cant imagine having to make the decision when you are close to a horse. But I do want to really commend you for making this decision. I have been bothered reading posts elsewhere where they put the horses though real agony with very complicated treatments over long periods and with very questionable outcomes. All to "not give up the fights for life". Well I think there is some human pyschodrama there that is acting out sometimes......I dont think its so awful for THE HORSE to be let go in a peaceful and cherished way. Its awful for the Person, of course.
Bless you for all the work you do and the broken hearts you suffer. I do believe that every time it breaks and mends - it gets bigger and stronger.

[halfwayhome]

I am so sorry Tock, lots of thoughts and prayers to you and Angie.
( and some long distance hugs ((((( ))))) )

[calgal982]

Such a sad time. You guys are such champions for your horses I hate to see you have to make this decision for such a young one. Will be thinking of you in the next couple of weeks as you deal with the sadness. She WILL be well met on the other side. In the company of angels.

[barbpurple]

wow don't know what to say except that i really did like (love) this one from the first time i saw her at blm...you will be resting without pain and running free...

[mykingdomforahorse]

I am so, so sorry to hear this. The others will meet her, and she will go out with love. I agree that prolonging an animal's suffering is more for the human than the animal. But it's so hard to let go. They're depending on us to give them that last, loving "gift".

I saw you were talking about May-zing, I couldn't find the other post but I think it was you who so kindly posted to me when I wrote about losing my Arab, Takoda. You wrote that when May-zing fell a person smashed their hand because she fell on it, right? I winced reading that. Ouch.

I'm so sorry to hear about all of them. It's so hard to lose them, it never gets easy, and then you hold onto all the love and smiles they gave you, and thank the inventer of cameras. I swear I see my Takoda in the corral at night, standing where he used to stand, keeping watch over sleeping Peanut the mustang lying on the ground below him. And then I do the double-take and he's gone.

I do believe there's an existence after this earthly one, and that the animals come back to visit. My young terrier, a shelter rescue, barks at the place the cat used to curl up each evening. He plays with something that isn't there for the human eye.

I know how you feel because in June 2006 I lost my 15 yr old cat, to CRF (chronic renal failure) and then this summer 2007, in June, I lost a 16 yr old cat -- (they were Mr. and Mrs. Kitty as I called them) -- I came home to find he had passed while I was out bringing rescue puppies to their new adopters' homes.

Then, 5 days later, with no warning or ill health, my almost 16 yr old terrier went into massive organ failure (old age, really) and I had to euthanize him, to save him from suffering. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, but I know it was the right thing. I thank God every day I could be with him in his last moments and give him little nose kisses until his last breath.

And then, 3 weeks later, in July, I lost my wonderful Arab, Takoda.

I was so scared for a few months that it wasn't over and I would continue to lose more of my "kids" -- like Emily Dickinson's poem lines "Because I would not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me".

Thank God that wasn't the way it went, and all my other animal babies are healthy and fine. I still miss all the others so very, very much ...

Please get someone there to give you a hug from all of us. And your photos are *wonderful*. What a sweet filly. I'm glad she has you.

Em

[maloney]

I'm sooo sorry. Thank you for giving her the love that she deserves. She is thankful that you took her in. Everyone has their place in life, and this liitle girl was waiting for someone to find her and love her. This is a happy ending. At least she will leave this world comfortably and around those who love her.

[Admin]

She is one of the lucky loved one's. You are doing right by her Tock by letting her go with dignity and peace, without pain.

I am so sorry for your loss

[Tockita]

Thanks to all. Barb was the one that spotted Hope at BLM, and Angi nagged me to call CJ about her. If she were still on the range, she might have already fallen behind, or would die slowly because of the infection. So it is good that she was gathered.

They gathered all the horses in Oct because they felt it was too rough an area for horses, so it is likely that she slipped or fell as a baby, or that she got kicked and had some other problem with her ankles.. It doesn't matter how, only that it is. As I looked back at pictures now I can see what I didn't want to before, that in each new batch her ankles are bigger.

We still have Rose who is behaving more like Hope everyday. She is no longer a terrified unconfident mare. She has gathered strength from Hope and from Freedom and is no longer the timid henpecked mare in the herd.

I was very glad we brought Hope home with Rose because Rose needed her. In those first weeks she hid behind that little baby, Hope was so brave and strong she made Rose feel safer.

There are more horses coming, and they will need love.

A feedlot pony who may or may not bless us next year;

2 horses whose mom is hospitalized and needs them looked after for awhile, or forever.

Beauty whose mom is having her hip replaced (again) and will not be able to care for her. She was terrified of what would happen to her if she couldn't find someone she could trust to care about her, and who would understand her. She is Symphony's sister. Same age, same HMA, same gather, they were at BLM together.

I see babies on the NV feedlot, horses shipped from "our" lot, good horses. We are overfull.

Because even as we say goodbye we will say hello.

I take Joe's advice and hug my horses. I hug them and I cry, happy and sad at the same time. I find the good times and the happy things we can share.

[calgal982]

I found a lovely poem while browzing....thought I'd share it with you tonite...

God looked around His garden,

And He found an empty place.

He then looked down upon this earth

and saw your tired face.

He put His arms around you,

and lifted you to rest.

God's garden must be beautiful,


He always takes the best.

Then He took you up to Heaven

with gentle hands so kind.

It broke our hearts to lose you,

but you did not go alone.

For part of us went with you,

The day God called you home.

[chrisw]

In 2003 when I adopted my 2 PMU foals from Canada there were several foals that came down with a condition where their fetlocks would swell. It was after they arrived at their new homes. Some were very large and swollen. Some front and some back. My one colt had this happen after he had been here awhile. His were the back ones. People discussed it on the group and said it would go away. My colts did . I cannot remember what they said it was or what caused it. I know the foals where not in the best condition....wormy and not fed anything but hay after being weaned and turned into a lot. I have emailed some people to see if I can find out what it was called...my mind is just blank. I don't know if it is too late.....
What exactly is the vet saying this is??

[MustangAppy]

Tockita, I am so sorry. There is something about the wild ones....she will be able to run free again, without pain, but carrying your love in her heart.

[NanciK]

~~~ IF IT SHOULD BE ~~~

If it should be that I grow frail and weak
And pain should wake me from my sleep,
Then you must do what must be done,
For the last battle can’t be won,
You will be sad, I understand,
Don’t let your grief then stay your hand.

For this day more than all the rest,
Your love and friendship shall stand the test.

We’ve had so many happy years
What is to come will hold no tears,
You’ll not want me to suffer, so,
When the time comes, please let me go.

I know in time you too will see
It is a kindness you do for me,
Although my tail it’s last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.

Do not grieve that is should be you
Who has to decide this thing to do,
We’ve been so close we two, these years
Don’t let your heart hold any tears.

[mykingdomforahorse]

I love the poem, calgal, thanks for posting it! I've always seen poetry (not the hoity toity kind, but the meaningful ones), as seeds of hope and renewal. A little beauty can go a long way when the fight seems neverending.

Em

[mykingdomforahorse]

Nanci, this is wonderful. Did you write this? I really like it.

All the poems are. Is there a way to put them in a poetry section, for a place to go retreat to some beauty and uplifting, in this ugly feedlot world?

I write poetry too. I'll go dig up some of my horse ones.

Em

[mykingdomforahorse]

Emily Dickinson

poem #-712

Because I could not stop for Death —
He kindly stopped for me —
The Carriage held but just Ourselves —
And Immortality.

We slowly drove — He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility —

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess — in the Ring —
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain —
We passed the Setting Sun —

Or rather — He passed Us —
The Dews drew quivering and chill —
For only Gossamer, my Gown —
My Tippet — only Tulle —

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground —
The Roof was scarcely visible —
The Cornice — in the Ground —

Since then — 'tis Centuries — and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity —

[Tockita]

When John died the kids picked a poem for the folders, and I picked a poem for the remembrance (prayer) cards. It was

Go hath not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower strewn pathways
All our lives through;
God hath not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.

But God hath promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the labor,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trails,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy
Undying love...

[watermarkfarm]

Hi Kathy,

You are such a kind person, and I am so sorry that you are losing another horse. After many years of keeping horses, I have a different perspective on how far I will go to "save" one. Sometimes we put them through such misery. I am glad you are letting this little girl go. It sounds like she has only pain ahead. You are doing a brave and right thing.

Here is my contribution to the poetry reading. It was written by a friend of my mother's.

GOD SPEAKS

Death is ugly?
Oh, my children, no
If you knew the beauty that begins
Where your sight fails
You would run, run
With open arms
And leap into eternity

But sad is a harvest
of green wheat
And so, feverishly,
You continue your mortal task
I simply gave Death
an ugly mask

or my favorite by Emily D:

Death is a Dialogue between
The Spirit and the Dust
"Dissolve" says Death --- the Spirit "Sir
I have another Trust" --

Death doubts it -- Argues from the Ground-
The Spirit turns away
Just laying off for evidence
An Overcoat of Clay.



Hugs to you. I am so sorry.

Katie

[djrepp]

I am so sorry. Bless you and your little horse. You have given so much to the horses and supported all of us. We are all here for you and your family.

[swissgrl]

hugs to you guys, this has been a really tough year for all of you!!!!

[sundancer]

Kathy, I am so sorry to hear this about Hope. What a year!

My thoughts and prayers go out for you and Angi.

[wendyp]

Kathy, Angi and Beth - I am so sorry to hear about Hope. But please know that you are making the hardest decision for you guys, but the best decision for Hope. It sucks, and it never gets easier, but I admire your bravery and strength.

WendyP/Bend, OR

[mykingdomforahorse]

Katie,

Thanks for sharing the poems! You have to tell your mom's friend her poem is wonderful! And I too love "Emily D".

Okay, old horse poem of mine (it's in my novel actually, which should publish some time next year)



the great unknown


coyotes gather in a magic circle to sing down the sun.
crows slurp the horses’ water bucket when their dusty backs
are turned. we wait for a sign that everything will be alright
but the sign is designed so that you miss it most of the time
because none of this is supposed to be figured out.

the dead tree is crowned with a Christmas star
keeping watch over hooved snorts and faint dog barks,
the porch lights low, clouds like sheep in the unfenced sky
roaming around without a care in the world. silent night rises
in a spiral of stars left to spread themselves out evenly.
life’s answers crowd around as well, waiting for those questions
never posed, as none of this is supposed to be figured out.

barefoot and blind on this perilous journey, with fate a bear
who’ll eat you whole, drawing ever-widening circles of truth
turned noose to hang your heart, you hold on because the soul
cries out for weathering, for cold rain and fists shook at the sky
while God searches for signs of higher life, to figure it all out.

e.m.

[agilitygal]

Such a hard decision. Blessings to you all.

[mickeyfan3]

Kathy - I am so sorry about Hope....take care. Let me know if you need anything.
Stacie

[trish]

I am also so sorry. Life just is so unfair sometimes. You are just awesome to have taken the effort for her and giving her the only human love she probably ever experienced.

My kindest regards,
Trish

[paintedlady]

Best Wishes. So sorry this happened :'

[Tockita]

Cherished Hope crossed the rainbow bridge this morning. We took her to Dr Ls and he gave her a shot in the trailer and then we walked her to a quiet spot and he gave her the final dose. She was a good girl for him again and he was careful to make sure all was right so that she went peacefully.

Kathleen made little braids with pretty blue ribbons for Angi Beth and I. She also saved us some tail hair for us too, because a friend of Angi's found this site after MayZing passed. www.claypony.com/index.html

[paintedlady]

This really breaks my heart Best wishes to u all ( RIP ) Sweet girl